"I just can't seem to meet anyone I click with."
I must hear that about fifty times a week.
"Well, why do you think that is?" I ask. Most of the time, I already know the answer:
They think that, if they go out with certain people, they're "dating down." They're constantly telling themselves that they can "do better."
Here's the thing. Some of you … won't do better. Not as long as you keep telling yourself that you're all that. That way of thinking just alienates people. They can feel it. They can sense when you're mentally sizing them up. If they have any self-respect, they'll walk away from you. Who the f*ck wants to be judged by a total stranger?
"So, where do you work? Have you ever been married? Where are you from?" Questions like those show no personal interest in the person. Especially if they're asked rapid fire, in succession. The "where do you work" question is a killer. This comes up all the time in my Flirting Workshops. Men and women both complain how they hate being asked that question right away. "My job doesn't define me,” said Stephanie. "Show me that you're more creative. Be original." Hmmm ... original. That would be refreshing, wouldn't it? Because NYC, for all of its reputed "flavor," is full of clones.
Let's clarify something, there's "assessing a situation" and "passing judgment." We all give someone the once over when we meet them. That's natural. We'll ask telling questions to gauge whether or not there are any commonalities or possibilities. It's not really what you ask that turns people off. It's HOW you ask it. We're a pretty evolved species. We know when someone is mocking us. We can tell when someone is putting us under a little mental microscope. It's bullshit and especially irritating when the people doing it are so obviously lacking themselves.
Guys require less to be impressed. "I just want someone who's hot and sweet,” my friend Tom says. Tom, 38, is a handsome well built red head. A former CEO of a telemarketing firm. He's got the education, the money, the house, the car. All he wants is someone to join him. Month after month I introduce him to really cute, smart, successful women. And every time he blows them off. "What's wrong with her?" I ask when he once again tells me he's not interested. She's not "hot" enough, he says. Hey Tom ... I love ya, I really do ... but you're not Jon Stewart. You're personality … is somewhat lacking. So ... ummm … maybe you might want to consider not being so damn finicky.
Quite frankly ... women in this city are even more delusional than men in regards to deserving better. Ladies, take a look around ... you've got competition. A lot of it. And it's all in the form of that fresh-faced, tight assed, giggly, fun 26-year old that decorates every single bar in the city after work. Hot will only get you so far, save for the random doormat of a guy who just wants to have a trophy girlfriend or who has such low self esteem that they'll tolerate your nastiness. And those ridiculous expectations? Lose 'em. Nobody will meet all of them. And many of them are just rooted in insecurity and resentment. You had a lot of bad blind dates? You keep getting blown off by guys you meet online? GET OVER IT. Leave that at the door and stop making other guys pay for it. Battle scars do not make you more deserving.
"But I'm a great catch!" you say. Yeah, ya think? How so? Guys rattle off their bank balances, where they work, where they went to school and how they're hot, smart, funny, caring and giving. Women do the same. Well, let's drill down a bit here. Are you, like, Einstein smart ... or "I got into AP English in high school" smart? Because Einstein smart is pretty rare. Honor Society smart? I can stand on Fifth Avenue and spit and hit a previous Honor Society member. In other words, lots of people are smart.
You say you're funny? Like ... Vince Vaughn funny ... or "my Mom tells me I'm funny" funny? 'Cause there's a difference. A big one. And funny is subjective. Just because you get the guys in the office rolling with your impressions of your boss doesn't mean you should be headlining at Stand Up NY. Oh, and note to those of you who consider Chandler Bing your hero ... he was a basket case. He was funny in the "laughing on the outside, crying on the inside" kind. Not funny. At all.
Ohhh ... so you're hot? Yeah. This one kills me. Because about half of you … aren't. Like soooooooooooooooooo aren't. And in a city of models and actors ... you're actually sort of, well, average. You might have the nice rack or the killer abs or the broad shoulders but you also have that raging ego that comes out when you're meeting members of the opposite sex. Or your looks are overshadowed by your very obvious sense of entitlement that's slowly morphing into bitterness. Hot is subjective. I, for one, don't find Brad Pitt hot. Owen Wilson IS hot because he's well spoken and smart. Brad Pitt bores me. Jennifer Aniston bores me. Dennis Leary? Smokin' hot. Edward Norton pre-bloat? Totally hot.
Keep this in mind:
Money? Never lasts. With the state our country is in, you could lose your job tomorrow.
Funny? Rent a movie. That quirky, sarcastic repartee you have with him/her can quickly turn into annoying, grating banter used to avoid real intimacy.
Great in bed? Okay, that's important. But that, too, wanes. Just look at Jude Law and Sienna Miller. (And ... oh yeah ... Patrick and me. More on that later.)
As Balki on my favorite late 80's sitcom Perfect Strangers used to say, "Take a reality pill." NOBODY is the complete package.
"All that" is subjective and temporary.
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Moxie has made the singles scene her passion, running and developing events for singles in NYC, Boston, Philly, DC and Chicago.
For a complete bio, click here.