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"I just can't seem to meet anyone I click with."
I must hear that about fifty times a week.
"Well, why do you think that is?" I ask. Most of the time, I already know the answer:
They think that, if they go out with certain people, they're "dating down." They're constantly telling themselves that they can "do better."
Here's the thing. Some of you … won't do better. Not as long as you keep telling yourself that you're all that. That way of thinking just alienates people. They can feel it. They can sense when you're mentally sizing them up. If they have any self-respect, they'll walk away from you. Who the f*ck wants to be judged by a total stranger?
"So, where do you work? Have you ever been married? Where are you from?" Questions like those show no personal interest in the person. Especially if they're asked rapid fire, in succession. The "where do you work" question is a killer. This comes up all the time in my Flirting Workshops. Men and women both complain how they hate being asked that question right away. "My job doesn't define me,” said Stephanie. "Show me that you're more creative. Be original." Hmmm ... original. That would be refreshing, wouldn't it? Because NYC, for all of its reputed "flavor," is full of clones.
Let's clarify something, there's "assessing a situation" and "passing judgment." We all give someone the once over when we meet them. That's natural. We'll ask telling questions to gauge whether or not there are any commonalities or possibilities. It's not really what you ask that turns people off. It's HOW you ask it. We're a pretty evolved species. We know when someone is mocking us. We can tell when someone is putting us under a little mental microscope. It's bullshit and especially irritating when the people doing it are so obviously lacking themselves.
Guys require less to be impressed. "I just want someone who's hot and sweet,” my friend Tom says. Tom, 38, is a handsome well built red head. A former CEO of a telemarketing firm. He's got the education, the money, the house, the car. All he wants is someone to join him. Month after month I introduce him to really cute, smart, successful women. And every time he blows them off. "What's wrong with her?" I ask when he once again tells me he's not interested. She's not "hot" enough, he says. Hey Tom ... I love ya, I really do ... but you're not Jon Stewart. You're personality … is somewhat lacking. So ... ummm … maybe you might want to consider not being so damn finicky.
Quite frankly ... women in this city are even more delusional than men in regards to deserving better. Ladies, take a look around ... you've got competition. A lot of it. And it's all in the form of that fresh-faced, tight assed, giggly, fun 26-year old that decorates every single bar in the city after work. Hot will only get you so far, save for the random doormat of a guy who just wants to have a trophy girlfriend or who has such low self esteem that they'll tolerate your nastiness. And those ridiculous expectations? Lose 'em. Nobody will meet all of them. And many of them are just rooted in insecurity and resentment. You had a lot of bad blind dates? You keep getting blown off by guys you meet online? GET OVER IT. Leave that at the door and stop making other guys pay for it. Battle scars do not make you more deserving.
"But I'm a great catch!" you say. Yeah, ya think? How so? Guys rattle off their bank balances, where they work, where they went to school and how they're hot, smart, funny, caring and giving. Women do the same. Well, let's drill down a bit here. Are you, like, Einstein smart ... or "I got into AP English in high school" smart? Because Einstein smart is pretty rare. Honor Society smart? I can stand on Fifth Avenue and spit and hit a previous Honor Society member. In other words, lots of people are smart.
You say you're funny? Like ... Vince Vaughn funny ... or "my Mom tells me I'm funny" funny? 'Cause there's a difference. A big one. And funny is subjective. Just because you get the guys in the office rolling with your impressions of your boss doesn't mean you should be headlining at Stand Up NY. Oh, and note to those of you who consider Chandler Bing your hero ... he was a basket case. He was funny in the "laughing on the outside, crying on the inside" kind. Not funny. At all.
Ohhh ... so you're hot? Yeah. This one kills me. Because about half of you … aren't. Like soooooooooooooooooo aren't. And in a city of models and actors ... you're actually sort of, well, average. You might have the nice rack or the killer abs or the broad shoulders but you also have that raging ego that comes out when you're meeting members of the opposite sex. Or your looks are overshadowed by your very obvious sense of entitlement that's slowly morphing into bitterness. Hot is subjective. I, for one, don't find Brad Pitt hot. Owen Wilson IS hot because he's well spoken and smart. Brad Pitt bores me. Jennifer Aniston bores me. Dennis Leary? Smokin' hot. Edward Norton pre-bloat? Totally hot.
Keep this in mind:
Looks? Fade.
Money? Never lasts. With the state our country is in, you could lose your job tomorrow.
Funny? Rent a movie. That quirky, sarcastic repartee you have with him/her can quickly turn into annoying, grating banter used to avoid real intimacy.
Great in bed? Okay, that's important. But that, too, wanes. Just look at Jude Law and Sienna Miller. (And ... oh yeah ... Patrick and me. More on that later.)
As Balki on my favorite late 80's sitcom Perfect Strangers used to say, "Take a reality pill." NOBODY is the complete package.
"All that" is subjective and temporary.
Reader's Comments
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www.MoxieintheCity.net
Moxie has made the singles scene her passion, running and developing events for singles in NYC, Boston, Philly, DC and Chicago.
For a complete bio, click here.
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Agreed. Men and women need to stop with the "I want to keep my options open" line of thinking. You find a great guy or girl then hold on to them cause you'll end up alone in the long run.
- Lucas
Of course, if the guy is really great to you at FIRST but then turns out to be moody, curses excessively, smokes alot of pot, tells you how wasted he got at the last party and tells you that he frequents strips clubs and spends all his money on car racing. RUN! You CAN do better. If he were a sweet guy who just happens not to have alot I would have hung on.
- DD
Bravo! Someone has finally come out & said what most of us are thinking! Some people seriously need to get over themselves! Granted, you do have to have standards, but REALISTIC standards. Ah, you know what those are, don't you? It's so true, looks do fade. Substance is so much deeper & lasts a hell of a lot longer than looks. Looks can only take you so far & then you have to hold a conversation. Imagine that! Sure, there has to be attraction, chemistry, blah, blah, blah. How about giving the average guys a chance. I've found that more often than not, they are more interesting, fun and also aren't too busy talking about themselves & looking at themselves constantly in the mirror.
- Gooch
Okay, well, let's not begrudge someone for being "pretty." Some people were blessed with above average looks. Some people weren't. The issue is that too many people think they can still "pull" the same quality as they did in high school or in the early 20's and then get angry because they can't. It's not about who gets passed over and who doesn't. That's not the message. The message is about the importance of self-awareness and reasonable expectations.
- Moxie
Absolutely *loved* this article. I know so many single women under the impression that they are "all that".. I am convinced that there is a condition that is like the opposite of anorexic: Where you are really fat but have convinced yourself you are thin. I know many women who would fall into this category and they actually wonder why they can't get laid much less get into a real relationship.
- Artfullee
Adressing the "she's fat/he's ugly" thing is just scratching the surface of the real point. Attractive, heavy, sexy, hot..those things are all subjective. It's about knowing what you bring to the table, knowing who you are and what your flaws are and creating expectations based on an honest look within.
- Moxie
I enjoyed your article because the message I received only reinforced what I see around me. Many single, unattached individuals who want to connect with others but allow their own barriers to keep them away from many opportunities. Their sky high unrealistic standards, distorted focus on looks, appearance, or mere excuses (i.e. material means) serve as excuses to just within. If they would just become more self aware, they would have a better shot at connecting with others. The barriers would be lowered and they would quickly realize that wouldn't be "lessened" their standards at all. Rather, they'd be opening themselves up to new experiences.
- Sila in San Francisco
Brilliant! I am forwarding this to all my bitchy female friends who think they're too good for every guy they meet.
- Crazy_alpha_bastard
Spot on Moxie. I have often said that peoples expectations are often way off the charts. You can 'expect' all you want, but will you get? I know plenty of women in a constant state of expectation who are alone because they've expected themselves out of the game. Well written.
- NML
Dating for the most part is a search for love. Too many men and women have this pop song-goo goo eyed nonsense of what they think love is. Ultimately, (from someone who has been there) true love comes at 4:30 in the morning - cleaning up puke and running to the all night drug store because your wife/girlfriend ( or husband/boyfriend) came down with a stomach virus or had the mussels when you ate the calamari. Some people will be there at that time, and others never will. Just a casual observation, the 'Crazy Cat Lady' that's parodied on the Simpsons, she was 29 years old once. A little more seriously, demographically- there are more women than men in NYC, some of those 'choosy' women in NYC will one day end up with cats, and not much else. Great article. Too bad it can't be posted in every singles event/place in the City.
- Pete
Great article, ever since moving up here from North Carolina to the big, bad city, I finally get the whole dating thing up here! Thanks for the article and keep writing! Gautam
- Gautam in NJ
While I agree with the majority of what Moxie says, I wonder something. Does getting over yourself mean accepting and locking onto the first person that comes along since "there are so many other girls competing for my ideal guy?
- Single in Cowhampshire